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If we, as men and women, are to support each other and help each other self-express and evolve into more aware, considerate, loving beings, it begins with empathy. As any art lover will tell you, so is Picasso. Repressed joy will express as demonic screams escaping from hidden cells. As any therapist will tell you, so is the human heart and all its hurts. Masculine sexuality is pre-programmed to be allured to variety and to youth.
As any pundit will tell you, so is politics. That is a male fantasy by the way. Stick with positive messaging. It carries dangers and will often leave feelings hurt and the status-quo threatened. And, just as in days of old, men throw money as an offering of gratitude and worship.
Sexuality is not monochrome. That said, there remains lots of porn that makes so many women rightfully queasy, and I believe that men need to be sensitive to this. Within the context of intimacy, clear, mutually-agreed upon boundaries on actions actually promotes a whole new realm of freedom. In the absence of that victory, a strip club or a porn video will provide the rush of endorphins and serotonin that makes him feel a bit better about himself for a while. Which I celebrate, rather than excoriate.
As such, sex allows us to feel parts of ourselves that remain otherwise unfelt and simmering. What feels titillating to men will often seem terrifying to women on a visceral level, often calling up memories of abuse or experience of deep unsafety. Women often remind men that actions speak louder than words.
Second, in porn, the pleasure of the woman is almost always subordinate to the visual completion of the man. But sex is, definitely, messy. Yes, men are more visual than women when it comes to sexuality. And we are each stumbling our way toward self-understanding. What I want you to know is that the reward for our labor is the surrender of your smile and the lavishing of your attention which explains why porn actresses are instructed to look into the camera.
Freedom is neither pure nor purely good. But as any theater-goer will attest, so is Shakespeare. It gives us the mojo to do anything at all, really. Old pains will be triggered and fury, regret, revenge and fear will express itself in pounding fists and wild words, biting teeth and thrashing. As Jung said, that which gets repressed, will be expressed.
It is dazzling and shocking. Clear agreements around the actions we take create the safety that allows intimacy to flourish. It is as varied as our full range of emotional reality. Be nuanced, sensitive, varied, exploratory, rigorously clear, playful, true, fiercely honest.
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